I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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