i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
