a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
even my farts smell like vagina
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
