he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The air was thick with penises
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
