if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
