It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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