My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
