He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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