Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
