dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
