i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize