Can i not drive my cunt home
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
