if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
