i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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