i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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