I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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