Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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