Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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