My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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