great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize