After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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