finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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