I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize