Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
