I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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