If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
