I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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