He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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