dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
