I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
