look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
