Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
