We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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