Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
