I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
