omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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