hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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