I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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