bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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