I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
