It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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