I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Still dying that you shit outside
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
