I wish my penis had an off switch
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I love how my cats smell like pot.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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