I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You are the jesus of drinking
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
