you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
