i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
