for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
