Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize