We won't sleep together?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
