Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
