Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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