and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I will be naked everywhere
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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