Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
