I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
