k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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