I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize