Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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