Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
