I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize