i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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