somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
