I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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